Amy

(by Randy E. Halprin)

A Memoir

Warning! This contains foul language and sexual situations.

I remember the first time I had ever seen her. It was summer school 1993. A pretty blonde standing on the steps of our high school building. She was wearing a Duke University Blue Devils t-shirt (trust me, I have no earthly idea how I remember this stuff. It freaks me out at times!). She was talking with another girl, but it was the way she was talking that bothered me. Like she was some gangster wannabe.

I told my best friend Wayne, “Who the hell is this new chick? What’s her deal?”

“Guess she’s having an identity crisis or something,” Wayne replied.

I never gave her much thought after that. I spent the summer getting over a breakup with a girl named Daphne and then started goofing around with a sort of gothic chick named Kelly. Wayne came home to Arlington, Texas with me that summer and we chased girls around at the mall and The Six Flags Amusement Park. It was a fun summer.

When school started back up in the fall, I ended up going out with Kelly briefly. It was a weird short fling that didn’t really amount to anything. The year started off kind of crazy. Going into high school, the freshmen had to take some sort of placement test. I sat down next to my friend Casey, whom I had met during summer classes. She was a complete crack-up. I loved her sense of humor, and we were so good at improv, we could feed off each other. She was cute
and I sort of had a crush on her but knew it was one of those friendships better off not ruining by trying to date. I can’t remember what was going on during testing, but for some reason no one would take it seriously. Everyone was talking and laughing, and the teachers were trying to keep everyone settled down, but to no avail. So, Mr. Gordon put his foot down.

“Listen up!” he demanded. All of the students stopped what they were doing. “Here’s the deal. You’re going to quiet down and take your tests, or I’m going to start giving everyone licks one by one. As it stands, everyone will be shucking corn tonight.”

There were shouts of protests and the cacophony rose from the students. Mr. Gordon spoke up again. “I’m serious. Now zip it and get to your test. Welcome to high school boys and girls; it’s time to grow up.”

That night everyone met up to shuck corn. Our school had a farm on campus and being that it was late August, it was time for the harvest. As we waited on a hill, we could hear the growing sound of a tractor approaching. I stood next to Casey as Mr. Gordon did a roster check of all the freshmen.

“Do you think they’ll really make us shuck corn?” Casey asked.

“You got me—what the hell is shucking corn anyways?”

“I think we’re about to find out,” she replied.

As we watched the tractor pull up with a trailer full of corn, I noticed the blonde from the summer out of the corner of my eye.

“What’s her deal?” I asked Casey. “She kind of looks mean.”

“You mean like a bitch?” Casey commented. “No! I didn’t say that!”

I started to laugh. “I mean, she’s cute and all…”

I trailed as Mr. Gordon began to speak. “Now, because you don’t want to listen we’re here to shuck corn. We’re staying until it’s finished. You take the corn husks; that’s the outer green part and strip it from the actual corn. It’ll peel off like so.” He began to demonstrate. “Throw the husk into the trailer and the corn into the barrel. Now get to it!”

“What kind of country bumpkin crap is this?” I asked.

Wayne joined up with me. “This shit is straight out of ‘Hee Haw’!” he joked.

Classes began that fall on a Tuesday. We were given our schedule and a locker. My locker was right next to the blonde. During first period class I buckled down and decided to ask her what her name was. “Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” she replied.

“Umm… since your locker is next to mine, I figured we shouldn’t be strangers or, uh, I should at least know your name.”

“Amy.”

“Mine’s Randy.”

“Yeah. I know yours. You’re talked about a lot. Here’s some advice—lose the snob act.”

“I’m not a snob! I talk to everyone, what’s that supposed to mean?”

I watched as she walked away. How could she think I was stuck up? Because I was shy?

Later that day I saw her in my biology class. I sat down at the lab table with Wayne.

“Dude, guess what I found out about that chick?” Wayne said, nodding his head toward Amy.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“She only likes black dudes,” he replied.

“And? I’d date a black chick—that Ethiopian girl is hot.”

“Well, I think that’s pretty nasty,” Wayne said.

“I could care less. My parents taught me to appreciate everyone. Besides, I’ve got two Korean brothers and I’m Jewish,” I said.

“Yeah, but that’s different.”

“How so? I swear, I don’t get this racism crap around here.”

“I’m not racist,” Wayne said.

“Well, what on earth do you call it?”

Our little debate carried on until the teacher began the class. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Amy. She was annoying, yet so damn attractive to me.

As the weeks passed, I’d talk to Amy a little more each day. Wayne had changed classes so was no longer in our class and I thought I’d press my luck and sit next to Amy. “Cool if I sit next to you?” I asked.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Still think I’m a snob?”

“No…Pretty damn goofy, but not a snob.”

“That’s not goof, that’s pure charm!” I said.  She laughed and we continued to flirt each day.

Soon, she began to sit at our table during lunch and after school for dinner. I was starting to like her and once Wayne found out they practically lived next to each other in their hometown he warmed up to her. He still didn’t agree with blacks and whites going out together, but he accepted her as a friend. One night Wayne and I were talking, and I told him I liked her.

“Dude… she’s even said it herself; she only likes black guys. You don’t have a chance in the world.”

“Yeah, but what if I got you to ask her what she thought about me. If she says she doesn’t like me, I’ll leave it alone. If she does—”

“You’re going to ask her out?” Wayne interrupted.

“I guess. I would like to.”

“She’s going to reject you and then I’m going to have to hear your sulk for days on end. Just leave it be and stay friends. As soon as you take it there and she turns you down, you guys won’t be friends.”

“Not to sound cocky, but I’ve only ever been turned down twice, you know?”

“You’re missing one key issue. YOU’RE NOT BLACK!”

“Jesus, why does everyone keep bringing this shit up? Will you ask her or not?”

“Fine. I’ll ask, but when she says no, don’t come crying to me,” he said.

A few days later, I got my answer.

“So, did you finally get around to asking her?” I asked.

“Yep.”

“What’d she say?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but...” he said, leaving me hanging.

“What!?” I nearly yelled.

“She said that she likes you. You’re like the first white dude she’s ever liked. Oh, and uhh...”

“What, man?”

“I kind of told her you were going to ask her out tonight.”

“You what? I never said that! I said, I’d think about asking her out. I’m not prepared. Plus, we have that damn revival we have to go to. How am I going to ask her out? That’s messed up!”

“Shit! I forgot about the revival. My bad! You could always ask her out at dinner,” Wayne added.

We went to dinner and there she was. My ex-girlfriend and friend Daphne were sitting with her. Daphne was going out with a guy named Billy, and they would later both be expelled when they were caught having sex. Billy and I had practically been fighting over Daphne towards the end of our eighth-grade year.

“What’s up Daphne? What’s up Amy?” I said sitting down with my tray.

They both said hello and Wayne sat down with us. Amy had a small white envelope with her and so I asked what it was.

“My parents sent me five dollars,” she said.

“Oh. Cool.”

There was an awkward silence after that, like she expected me to ask her something. Daphne broke in, “I told Amy she better take care of my baby.”

“Huh?” I said, confused.

“You know, you still belong to me,” she said, teasingly.

“I do, huh?” I said.

Wayne noticed Amy getting mad at Daphne’s flirtations and interrupted the conversation. He complained about having to go to the school’s Baptist revival. Basically, two times a year they had mandatory week-long services so that you would hopefully feel the power of Jesus
and be saved. Kind of a week-long brain washing. To complain about being forced to go was a national past time.

“Yeah, what sucks about it is we can go on girls’ night, but the girls can’t go on boys’ night. What kind of shit is that?” I said.

“I say we don’t go and hide in the dug outs down on the baseball field.”

“Nah, they’re on to that. Plus, I heard Ms. Lawson was taking a roster this year.” I said.

“I wish we could hide,” Amy said.

“Man, I’ll be the first to say that they do girls wrong here. I mean, they treat you all like dogs. Baptists suck,” I added.

I couldn’t get the nerve to ask her out so instead I went into goof mode and began to play with my food and act silly. This is something I’ve always done to break tension or when I’m nervous. I remember making a sexual organ out of the bread and used two meat balls for the, well, balls. Amy joined in on the fun and took ranch salad dressing and made semen. We were all laughing so hard! Not much later someone asked us to leave the cafeteria and so we said our goodbyes. I told Amy I’d see her in class and left. I noticed she hadn’t taken the white envelope with her.

“Crap! She forgot her five bucks,” I told Wayne.

“Just give it to her tomorrow. Dude, you totally dropped the ball. You could tell she wanted you to ask her out. Shit, you should’ve seen the look she shot Daphne.”

“I’ll ask her out tomorrow. We’ll both go to the girls’ night of the revival.”

I gave Amy her five dollars back that she’d left behind the next day. Then asked if it was cool to join her at the revival that night.

“I’d love it.”

“Okay, then Wayne and I will be there. I’ll see you then.”

Wayne and I got dressed up and were ready to go, but for some reason we were running late. I remember walking across the school campus and crossing the high school dorms. Wayne and I were still room monitors for the middle school dormitory, so we hadn’t made the move. Sitting on a bench was Billy, whom I had fought with the year before because he had tried to pick on Wayne. And because of Daphne, we were pretty much enemies. He was sitting next to this guy named Eric, who was pretty much loathed by everyone at school and I thought was a complete ass. He had a tennis ball in a sock and was swinging it around, when he saw me and Wayne and stopped. Billy said something to me and Eric approached me, swinging the sock.

“Look! It’s the faggot. You going to see your boyfriend?” he said.

I didn’t say anything, but I could feel my blood begin to rush. I chose to keep walking, when he taunted me again.

Wayne spoke up, “Dude, I wouldn’t challenge Randy like that, just ask that coward over there, who beat his ass?”

Eric said something else and I ignored it and then was hit by the sock over my back several times. It stung, but I acted like it didn’t even phase me. I wanted to just stop right there and fight the dude, but I didn’t want to screw off my big night. Instead, I said through gritted teeth, “I want you to be well aware of the fact that I’m choosing not to shove that goddamn sock down your throat, asshole. There will be another day,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Well, c’mon! C’mon you fuckin’ faggot!” Eric started to yell.

Wayne grabbed my arm and we continued to walk down the sidewalk. Finally, further down the sidewalk, Wayne asked if I was okay. I told him I was cool and that paybacks were a bitch. I never did anything to him, but I do look back in wonder at how karma caught up with both of them and they were both expelled that year.

When we got to the church it was jammed pack. A teacher was standing at the entrance and stopped us. “Sorry, boys. Filled up completely.”

“You gotta be kidding me,” Wayne said.

“Nope. Come back tomorrow night,” she said.

“But what about our souls!” I protested sarcastically. “Yeah. Like you really care about that. All you want to do is see the girls.”

“So not true.” Wayne said. “If we go to hell, it’s your fault.”

“Okay guys, turn it around. Bye-bye.”

Back in the dorms Wayne and I talked about what happened and decided we’d catch Amy while she was walking back to her dorm. We went back to the church and soon a crowd of loud teenagers came pouring out.

“There she is!” I pointed excitedly. We walked over to her quickly. “I am so sorry,” I said. “What happened?”

“We were late and couldn’t get in ‘cause it was too crowded. Say, there’s still enough time to go to free time. Do you wanna meet up there?”

“Yeah. That sounds great. Okay. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Bye.”

“Bye,” she said.

Wayne stayed back at the dorm, and I went to meet her. I told her about the incident with Billy and Eric.

“Why didn’t you fight back?” she asked.

“’Cause I wanted to see you,” I said.

“Aww. You’re so sweet! Do you want me to tell Daphne?”

“No. Just let it go. It’ll come back around to them.”

“So... Have you been wanting to ask me something?”

“Uhh. Like what? Why would I ask you something?” I teased.

“Well fine! Be like that then.”

“No! I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Yeah… You wanna go out?”

“Yes.”

“Cool,” I said. (Kids say the dumbest things! "Cool?" What was I thinking!)

It’s weird about how much I can remember about her. I remember about our first kiss—outside the cafeteria. She snuck outside to take out the garbage, and I was waiting for her. I remember her sleeping on my arm in biology class. I remember her teaching me sign language—which I still know to this very day. I remember making out in the weight room. We were only kids and yet it was the first serious ‘relationship’ I had had. I’d never had a relationship last over a few weeks and here we were over a month now.

I often think back at life in private school, and I think unlike a natural high school life, we at OBI were kind of forced to be undeveloped adults. And because there wasn’t much to do and you were away from your family you bonded tighter to your friends like family. Dating became more intense.

“I think I’m in love with you,” she said before Thanksgiving. “Do you love me?” she asked.

“Uh, yeah, I do I love you.” I said kissing her hand.

“Well, prove it!” she said. “Like how?”

“If you love me, you’ll know how.”

“I gave you my black silk coat—that cost like a hundred bucks!”

On fall break my parents had splurged on a few silk shirts and a black Robert Frost silk jacket, because I was doing so good in school. Silk was huge in 1993. It was the new rayon that had been so popular before.

“Mmm. Okay…” she said.

“What about you? You gonna prove it?” I asked.

She looked at me mischievously and bit her bottom lip seductively. “Yeah. I will...” She trailed.

Thanksgiving came and I was to go to Wayne's house for the holiday. To my good fortune, Amy was riding home with us and Wayne's mom would drop her off at her house. Wayne's mom had a big van and so we sat in the back on a bench like seat. It was to be a long drive to Ohio and so we grabbed a blanket and she laid across my lap. Somewhere during the trip, we fell asleep.

When I woke up, Amy smiled at me and whispered, “I love you.” I kissed her and then she grabbed one of my hands and placed it on her breast, then took my other hand and placed it on her crotch. I began to caress them both, not really sure what to do. It was the first time I’d ever touched a girl this way. I mean, I had touched a boob before but not really caressed them in a sexual way. The thing is, I had to hope I was doing the right thing ’cause I had lied to her early on saying I had had sex before, after she told me she wasn’t a virgin. I wanted to impress her and seem ‘macho’ so she thought I wasn’t a virgin.

I slid my hand into her pants and panties and felt her warm wetness. I slid my finger into her and asked if it felt good. She bit her lip and said, “Mmm hmm.” I couldn’t believe I was doing this!

After the Thanksgiving break, Amy broke my heart. “After Christmas I’m not returning to Oneida” she told me.

“What?” I said, stunned.

“I just don’t like it here. I want to be home.”

“What about me—us?” I said.

“We will stay together. You’ll come to Ohio to see Wayne.”

“But!” I pleaded. I was nearly in tears.

“I’m so sorry, Randy,” she said, her eyes watering over.

“What about our love?” I cried. “We’ll make it work. I promise.”

I still didn’t believe she’d truly leave. I talked to her on the phone almost every day on our Christmas break. I tried to convince her to stay… I talked to my parents and my mom said I was young, there’d be plenty more girls in my life. “Yeah, but I want Amy,” I’d say.

I decided to tell my dad I had been sort of sexual with Amy. I think I needed that closeness that my father and I had to be reassured in some way. I’d always been able to ask or talk about anything with him. I was sitting in my room listening to a U2 CD, when dad stepped in. “You wanted to talk to me?” he said sitting next to me on my bed.

“Hey, dad… Is it okay that I felt on a girl’s boobs?”

“Amy's?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Sure. There’s nothing wrong with that. I did at fifteen. But you know, soon it leads to sex, and I can’t express enough the importance of using a condom.”

We talked for a little longer; I enjoyed the time spent with him.

I returned to school and Amy never showed back up. I was depressed for days, but we didn’t break up and I called her often after school hours. The year went on and so did our relationship. I went back to Ohio a few times and we got very close to having sex each time, but because we were never truly alone it never happened.

Another summer came and Wayne spent a week with me. I told Wayne I was thinking about breaking up with Amy. Having a long-distance relationship was too hard on me, and after a day of flirting with girls at an amusement park I had made my mind up—I was determined to end it. But how? The only way I know how—to do it as stupidly as possible. Instead of just telling her I wanted to end it, I came up with an elaborate lie about cheating on her. That way she’d break up with me! Genius, I thought. Yeah right…

I remember going to my dad's office upstairs in our home and calling her. Jimmy or Kevin, one of my brothers, was there with me playing with their toys. I picked up the phone and made the call.

“I, uh, have something to tell you.” I said.

“Yeah? What is it, hun?” Amy replied.

“Um… You know how I went to that party the other night?” I was talking about a Jewish get-together from our synagogue’s youth group which I really attended.

“Yeah?” she said.

“I slept in a blanket with a girl and things happened.”

“What?” she said quietly.

“Yeah.”

“So, what are you trying to say?”

“Amy, I can’t do this. It’s too hard. I have a new girlfriend.”

“But Randy, I—”

Why wasn’t she yelling it’s over at me? “Amy…”

“Randy, I loved you more than anyone, you want to break up?”

“Yeah, I think it’s best. I’m sorry”

“But—”

I panicked and hung up on her. What else should I do? I’d never done anything like this before. I mean, she was never coming back to school… I felt so awful, though. At least I should call back and apologize. I dialed her number.

“Hello?” a shaky voice said. She was crying.

“Hey…” I said.

“Randy, you didn’t have to break up with me. I would’ve forgiven you.”

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” I replied.

“I was going back to Oneida for summer school. I was going to surprise you.”

“Are you serious?” I said, shocked.

“Yeah.”

“So, what, you really don’t want us to break up?”

“No. I love you. I told you.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again” I said. Crazy how kids can forgive so easily. Maybe it’s the need to feel wanted. To feel loved. But she really never got over it—she always believed I cheated and my lie would backfire on me eventually.

She did return to OBI and we continued our relationship. During summer school break I went back home with Wayne. I worked out a day that I could spend alone with Amy and went to her house. My parents loved her and her parents loved me, so this was okay. We’d fooled around a lot but still hadn’t had sex.

No one was home that day and I remember every detail. We started out messing around as songs from Stone Temple Pilots and Collective Soul played on MTV in the background. I remember sliding my hands up her shorts and her saying, “You keep doing that and we’ll have to make love here.” She kept giving me every sign in the world to initiate it right then, but in my own nervousness and naiveté I didn’t do squat.

After hours of fooling around she got up and disappeared for a few minutes. Then I heard her call my name.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“In my brother’s room.”

I went upstairs and into her brother’s room where she was laying in the bed. My heart began to pound. I looked at her for a second and then walked to the edge of the bed. I got down on my knees and took her shorts off, then I removed her panties—and just stared for a second. What should I do next? I asked myself.

“Randy… you just going to look at me?” she asked.

I took my shorts off and kicked my sandals off. Then I jumped into the bed and pulled my boxer shorts off. She spread her legs and I positioned myself over her body, her arms wrapping around me.

“I love you,” she said and kissed me.

“I love you, too,” I said and slid inside her…

It didn’t last too long and was not what the hype made it out to be. I was a huge disappointment, I think, but hey! I was inexperienced. There was no cuddling afterwards, which was odd to me. I wanted to go again, but she said we should get dressed in case her parents showed up. We went to McDonald's after it. Fifteen-year-olds shouldn’t be having sex.

Our relationship continued into the next school year, and things began to fall apart. She started to hang out with this black dude from Kenya named James, a lot. I suspected that she was starting to like him and she became emotionally detached from our relationship, but I was falling more. She had my virginity and I started to think it might be true love. I was afraid of losing her and so one day at a blood drive at our school, I tried to give blood. I was denied for too much iron and high blood pressure and lied and said I might have cancer. I don’t know why I said this—I felt helpless, desperate, afraid of being dumped after I’d given my heart to her. It worked for a bit, but then once again the detachment began again. Rumors began to spread that Amy was going to get with James. Then one day a friend said he saw them kiss.

 “A kiss or tongue kiss?” I asked.

“Uh…you really want to know?”

“Fuck!” I was furious. I went to the grill where I knew Amy was. I sat at her table and asked her, “Do you want James or me? I want to know right now.” I demanded.

“Randy, I need time to think about it.” she said.

“I want to know now—you kissed him. You cheated on me! Me or him?”

“James.”

I stood up and yelled, “Bitch!” and pushed a table on my way out the door. Some friends told me later she left crying and I felt awful. I went to the cafeteria later that night and saw her sitting with some friends. I went to the table and sat down.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m trying to talk about things,” I said.

“Just leave me alone.”

“I’m trying to talk. Why won’t you talk to me about this?” I pleaded.

“There’s nothing to say. It’s over,” she said, flatly.

“But I love you, Amy.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Just leave me alone.”

“Why?”

“Are you trying to make my life miserable?”

“Do you want to be miserable?” I said.

She stood up and just started hitting me! “Leave me the fuck alone!” she yelled and stormed off.

This shook me up badly. I got up and went up to our friend, Tracy. “I…” I started to cry. “Just don’t stop being my friend,” I said. Tracy pulled my head to her shoulder and rubbed my back as I cried.

I often think back and wonder how far we would’ve lasted had I not lied about cheating on her. My friend Jason later told her I never cheated and also that she had been the one to take my virginity. Jason had said she was visibly shaken by that news.

A month or so later I ended up going out with Tracy and hating Amy. I turned Tracy against her for a while, but after a while they repaired their friendship. On New Year's Eve of 1995 going into 1996, I made amends with Amy. I had bought Tracy and her a gift, and we all partied in a motel room in Louisville, Kentucky. Just me, Tracy, and Amy. She called her mom that night and said we’d done a little drinking…

“Guess who I’m with?” Amy asked her mom. “Randy. Yes, THE Randy.”

She looked at me as she said this, a big smile on her face.

Many years later, while on death row, I heard that Amy had passed away in her early 30s. I remember sitting in my cell thinking about our time together. I remember one night she and Tracy, after spending a night in my motel room, had left a few items in my room. I called Tracy at her home and Amy picked up and said that Tracy wasn’t feeling well. I told her that I needed to return the items that they left behind, and Amy said she would meet me outside of the house so that I could give it to her. I walked about a mile in the cold to Tracy’s home and Amy was waiting for me outside on the porch. I gave her the things they had left behind and told Amy I needed to get back to the motel. It was too cold out here. We looked at each other for a second and then hugged. In that moment, I had a flood of feelings for her returned, and I wondered, if we had stayed together, if I would’ve avoided all the trouble I got into. I pulled away from her and we stared at each other for a brief moment. My mind was telling me to kiss her, and she stood there as if waiting for me to do something.

“I gotta go,” I said. “Tell Tracy I love her and I hope she gets better.'“

She smiled sadly, and I walked away.